Wednesday, July 30, 2008

10 ounces of Rye and I'm ready to fly

I think I figured out why I get heartburn when I fly, I thought to myself as I finished my 5th double Crown Royal and Coke.

Executive class was awesome! The lounge was great I had some apple juice and water and some yogurt with granola and a coffee. Then I started drinking.

I wasn't blitzed, just had a good buzz.

I sat beside a guy named Vince who was really nice. They had Simpsons on the PVR so I watched that while I drank Chardonnay. The meal was tasty, beef and potatos. The knife was just for show and didn't cut the meat at all. Then they brought out the hot towls, which was awesome!

San met me on Mission St. and we went to his place and burned a j. Matt came over, we burned a j.

I went over to Matt's place, stopping at Sweet Chinitos for a Turky and bacon with avocadoes and provalone on Dutch Crunch bread(My favourite).

Matt's apartment is above a vacant store and his landlord is leting him use it to build shit for Burning Man.

Four hours in San Francisco and I'm on my knees polishing pole.

We have an 11 foot srtripper pole that will soon be a vibrating srtipper pole. It's freaking brass, and it had to be polished to be up to stripper standards.

It's for Burning Man, of course. Not opening a Strip club, although that is an idea.

Matt bought a brass pole. He went to Home Depo, it went like this:

Home Depo Employee:"Is it a drainage pipe?"

Matt:"No, It's stripper pipe"

I'm really baked. We had Green Cross bring us powerful medicine. Typing is hard. I need a notebook so much is going on.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Cali Soon

California here I come.

I leave Wednesday for San Francisco. Burning Man is almost three weeks away.

I was in Sudbury last week. I took the bus on Tuesday, the day after I got back from Montreal. My Pepere Gerry was in the hospital. He was airlifted from Timmins. My sister Chloe flew back from where she lives in England. My whole family came together.

He has lung cancer. He smoked ciggarettes for years and then switched to White Owl cigars. Most of my family does not belive in a conection between smoking and cancer. I have cut down on my pot smoking and will continue to do so with my health in mind.

I had a great time with my Pepere in Timmins, It was really hard to see him in the hospital. He got better with each day and on Saturday he was well enough to go back to the hospital in Timmins, with the hope that he can get home soon. So we drove back to Toronto.


Only assholes become smokers or smoking makes you become an asshole.

Have you ever been eating at a restaurant on the patio, and someone sitting at a nearby table gets up, drops trow and blasts a shit-storm of diarrhea in your face?

Of course not, decent human beings don't do that. But a smoker would not hesitate to light up a smoke while you are eating. Smokers are not decent human beings.

It is questionable whether smokers are in fact human beings. Most humans value their lives, but smokers like to say "We all gotta die sometime". This is true. We will all die. Smokers will most likely die of preventable lung cancer hacking up blood in a hospital.

A smoker can't conceive that their disgusting flaw isn't the coolest thing you have ever seen.

Smoking causes limp-dickedness. Smokers don't need erections cause they enjoy flaccidity and would rather be smoking than fucking anyway.

That being said,

I will only visit you in the hospital to say "I told you so"

Monday, July 21, 2008

Apatow for destruction

Apatow for Destruction, Metropolis Theatre, Montreal

The show was late, starting at midnight so Dad wasn't down with going. So I had an extra ticket which worked out, since this was one of the hottest shows at Just Pour Rire. Dad was really nervous about letting me go alone, even though I'm a grown man and I speak french an I live in Toronto so I'm no hayseed.
I guess he was worried because someone had kidnapped a kid in Quebec City and sealed him in a barrel, but I think he was more worried I was going to go out and get one of Montreal's famous "Danse Contact".

I found the Metropolis and the line went around the block. I asked a security guy if it was sold out(it was), and saw a dude standing around. As a guy who has been there, I could recognize a guy looking for a ticket. I asked him if he needed a ticket and as soon as I did I was swarmed by an older woman who shouted "I need two tickets!". "Well,"I said,"I'm talking to this guy". The ticket cost 50$, and I just wanted that much, but the dude offered me 60$, as soon has he did the abrasive woman(who I by this point assumed was American) offered me 75$, then some other guy said he would give me 80$. But I'm not a scalper, and I was only talking to the one guy, so took the 60$. He had been waiting with his friends at the very front of the line, and they had let the line in when the rain started. So the guy who I sold my extra ticket had worked it out with security that if he got a ticket he could join his friends in line. So I went in with him, bypassing the entire line!

This place filled up quick, I got great seats up near the front, although a bunch of seats were reserved. Apparently 2300 people fit into this place.

Producer/Director Judd Apatow began his career as a stand up comedian and got back to his roots at the Just for Laughs Festival, along with a close group of his friends.

Apatow was funny, talking about how his roommate in college (Adam Sandler) was always trying to get a peak at his dick. But it was obvious why he moved on from stand-up, he seemed a little nervous and his material was a little strange.

Apatow introduced Bill Hader to do his There Will Be blood's Daniel Plainview impression.

Charlyne Yi
was fantastic. Her stage performance was pretty much the same character as she played in Knocked-Up, kind of a spacey weirdo.

Million Dollar Strong is a parody rap duo. This video was around last year and it's pretty funny. They performed it and a few others.

They have a deal for a feature film which should be around next year. The dude explained he had taught his Japanese friend to speak English, but not what the words meant. That was pretty funny, kind of made me think about my buddy Koji.

Craig Robinson (from the Office and Pineapple Express) played the keyboard. He was great, romantically singing"take your panties off".

Apatow introduced Bill Hader to do his Al Pacino impression.

Seth Rogen was funny, but still not a stand up pro.

Russell Brand was the only professional comic of the night. Don't get me wrong, everyone was really funny, and some were even more funny than Brand. But his routine was the most polished(it is after all, what he does).

It was a great show, a great night.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pineapple Express, Imperial Theatre, Montreal 07/19/08

The movie started half an hour late, producer Judd Apatow came on stage and introduced Bill Hader, Craig Robinson, Danny McBride Ken Jeong and screenwriters Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg. Apatow quickly introcuced the film and then everyone got off stage and the show began.

Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) and his dealer Sol(James Franco) go on the run after Dale witnesses a Cop murder someone.

Stoner comedies often lack an important element in order to appease studio suits who are afraid of actually showing people smoking weed in the movie. Dude where is my Car doesn't even count as a stoner comedy since all the pot smoking in that flick is done by a dog and they don't even call it weed (they call it shibby).
Pineapple Express is the greatest stoner/action comedy of all time. Sure it's probably also the first, Cheech & Chong never had a bodycount after all. The action doesnt really come in till later in the film, but once it does it doesn't stop. It was so funny.

SNL's Bill Hader does a great cameo right off the bat. Franco is hilarious as the dealer. Craig Robinson from the American tv show The Office is great as one of the guys chasing Dale and Sol. Danny McBride from The Foot Fist Way is a classic asshole as the indistructable Red.

The crowed loved the movie and responded loudly throughout. Afterwards Judd Apatow returned with everyone else to discuss the film and take questions from the audience.

When Apatow was trying to get Seth and Evan's script for Superbad made(a tough sell, kids buying booze) he gave them a writing asignment for an idea he had. In True Romance, Brad Pitt's charecter is freaking out on crack but its only a short scene, Apatow thought it would be great to follow that guy around for a movie, and Rogen and Golberg built the story from there. Judd now laughs about it because Pineapple Express is actually a harder sell than Superbad.
Seth and Evan are my idols, Canadian screenwriters that are making it big in Hollywood. Although Seth Rogen has dual citizenship, Evan Goldberg has had trouble working legally in the US. I asked Even Goldberg if he had worked out his work visa issues with the United States. He thanked me and said he had been waiting for someone to ask him that. He said he has worked under 3 different visas, once as Seth's "asistant", once as Judd's "assistant", Judd said he had to write a letter saying "Evan Goldberg is the only person in the world who can do this job".
I followed up asking if there was still room for other Canadians in Hoolywood to which he replyed "no, I took the only spot". The last question sombody asked Seth about Kevin Smith and Zack & Miri Make a Porno. Seth said it was great working with Kevin and that he is a huge influence on what he does. Judd closed saying Kevin Smith was an influence on all of them. As everyone left the stage I got a chance to shake Evan's hand and tell him he's awesome. I saw him again on the outside of the theatre getting into his ride, somone offered him a toke, he took it saying "I wrote this movie and you are the firt person to offer me weed since I got back to Canada". He was waiting for the rest of his entourage so I quickly asked him to autograph my copy of Creative Screenwriting. He did, really cool of him. What a great movie, and a great time. I got to meet one of my idols, and he was really cool.

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Dark Knight Returns

The Batman is in theatres, so what are you doing sitting at home, WHY SO SERIOUS!?! Lots of superheroes have made this a summer to remember, Hulk smashed, Hellboy smoked, and Iron Man smoked and drank, but The Dark Knight is the real reason to get out to the movies.. This is the best movie of the summer, Heath Ledger as the Joker is incredible. He becomes the part. and will win an Oscar. Rest in peace, Heath. As far as a sequel goes, this one is better than the origial. I went with my dad here in Montreal. they had it playing on all screens until the afternoon. We were the first ones in the show so we got perfect seats. It would have been cool to check it out on Imax, since they shot some scenes in the larger format, but we just saw it on a regular screen. I will go check it out on Imax back in Toronto next week.

I have been anticipating this movie for so long adn it did not dissapoint.

I' having a good time in Montreal. Eating lots of poutine and washing it down with, ugh, Pepsi. I'm looking forward to seeing Judd Apatow tonight, and really excited for Pineapple Express tomorrow.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Going on down to South Park

I saw Trey Parker & Matt Stone at the Imperial Theatre in Montreal last night. The show, South Park Live was a part of the Just for Laughs festival. I was wondering what to expect of the show, the ended up playing songs from their movies and answering questions asked by the director of The Aristocrats Paul Provenza. The show began with Trey on piano and Matt on drums playing the Terrence and Phillip classic Uncle Fucka. Trey explained when they make fun of Canada on the show, they are making fun of people from Toronto, and not the Montreal audience. The guys followed with Blame Canada, M'kay, Kyle's Mom is a Bitch, Montage, Pearl Harbour Sucks, and closed with America(Fuck Yeah!).

They also talked about the most offensive Christmas song in the world, in which the chorus went "You can suck all the dicks you want and still be a virgin...Mary"

It was hillarious and a once in a lifetime show.

Monday, July 14, 2008

House of Cards

In Radiohead's new video for "House of Cards", no cameras or lights were used. Instead, 3D plotting technologies collected information about the shapes and relative distances of objects.

Radiohead does some kick ass music videos. I'm upset about the ticketmaster bullshit, but it worked out not getting tickets since I will be in California in August anyway. I might even get to see them at the Outlands Music and Arts show in San Francisco on the 23rd.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I'm getting an early hit of Pineapple Express

I was reading the news on Google and saw an article about Just for Laughs and it's film component. Since I am going to Montreal next week I read the story to see if there is anything interesting and almost shit my pants. Pineapple Express is going to have an early screening on Saturday July 19th (it comes out August 8th!!!)! I called the box office right away and got two tickets. Screenwriters Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg will be there for a Q&A along with producer Judd Apatow! This is like a dream! I was already freaking out about seeing Judd and Seth at JfL, but now that I will actually get to see the new movie with a Q&A, Awesome!

Double Feature Styles

There are so many comic book movies out this summer its impossible to spend any time away from the cinema. I went to see Helboy 2:The Golden Army today, and since I hadn't seen Wall-E and it was starting right after, I snuck in to that. I only use the word snuck so that it is clear that I didn't pay to see the second movie, no actual sneaking took place. I simply walked out after the movie, went up the escalator, walked in and took a seat. I just can't afford to pay for all the movies I want to see this summer.

Guillermo Del Toro is a an epic visionary. He sees a picture in his head and puts it on film so a whole theatre of people can watch his vision on a giant screen. I met Guillermo at Tiff06, where he was premiering Pan's Labyrinth. He gave a Q&A after the film and I was lucky enough to be in the isle as he left, I shook his hand and thanked him for his awesome movie, he thanked me for watching it. So I'm a huge fan of his work. He writes, he directs, he even designs the creatures in his films. Hellboy 2 was great, the action was as solid as the effects, and the creatures were wicked-cool and creepy.

Wall-E was tons of fun. Pixar is the best, hands down.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Stormalongs Cure Rock Scurvy

The Stormalongs, Horseshoe Tavern, Toronto On 07.10.08
I have been having a crazy bout of rock scurvy, my fucking teeth have been falling out from lack of rock music. Thankfully the Stormalongs have come to the Horseshoe with limes of rock n' roll.

The band was great, Colin's vocals were way too low. The crowd filled out as the guys rocked out. Everyone came to this show, Deidra made it out for her first show ever, as did my mom! Josh Mckay was also there as was Steve Horsecock Weir. A great show and good times.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Summer of Sunny J

I'm sick. I'm so sick I'm making Wookie noises like I lost Han. I got the cough due to cold. I took some cough syrup and now I will take the time to write about the last two weeks.

Timmins was fun. It was crazy staying at Mikes parents place across the street from my old place on Chenier Ave. I found myself staring at it, sometimes just sneaking a peek through mikes front window, the view now partially blocked by the gargantuan trees in mikes front yard. The house I grew up in is totally different now, the lawn has been paved to accommodate more trucks, and I don't know anything about the familly inside. Mikes house hasn't changed at all.

Mike and I walked around the Timmins Square just like we had back in the day, but it was so different from before. Not just the stores (Tim hortons, in the mall) but the feeling I had as a slacker teen shuffling through the halls of commerce. Feelings of panic, fear and isolation, that there was no out, those feelings gone. Replaced by the happy truth, that the slacker adult shuffling through this mall where Shania Twain once performed a free concert I was too cool to atend, is not stuck here and free to leave at any time.

I am reminded of somthing I said to Eric Pilon when he said his cousin Shania would become famous:
"Nobody from Timmins will ever become famous"-Julien (before Shania blew up)

We went out to Mickey J's(previously Fionn McCools, and then previously a St-Hubert) for Karaoke Night. Not to sing any songs but to have some cheap beers andsee if there was anyone we knew. When we got there they were at capacity, we waited for two people to leave, then Mike and his brother Gabriel went in and I waited with Vannessa outside.

I am lucky enough to have six Grandparents(My moms parents remarried). My Memmere and Peppere Chabot, and Peppere Gerry and Frances all live in Timmins so I should have visited them a bunch while I was there, but I didn't. I went to see my Dad's parents but Marcel was away with Uncle Dan in Sudbury. He had to get his heart checked out. So I hung out with my Memere but really missed seeing Pepere Marcel, and I should have gone back later in the week, but didnt.

I dropped in on Pepere Gerry. He offered me a beer, then noticing he was out, he offered not to make fun of me if i drank the pinia colada. I did and true to his word he didn't make fun. We had some leftover vodka and then since it was a special occasion, he broke out the scotch. He brought up a bottle of club soda he said had been in the basement for 10 years. it was most definatly flat, we drank scotch and club water. We talked about what I was up to(Burning Man, Going to Japan). He told me some stories. When Frances came home he went to play the piano for a bit. Frances said he has been playing again since the doctor told him he might be able to sing after his surgery later this month.

I went to Gillies Lake for rib fest, half-cut from the scotch at grandpas. They had oversold the beer tent and were not letting anyone in. I figured I would rock out wildly by the humongous Canada Dry can(no beer tent is complete without a giant inflatable can of something). I ran into Shawna and her husband John Stata but Mr. Cayen was not around. Delling showed up, we went to his house and I saw his new truck, we went to Micky J's, It was dead. Mike was there with Gab and V. Delling disappeared. We took a cab home and ordered Chez Nous on the way. It never showed, damn you Loverboy!